A Bit Homesick

We drove past our old Owensboro house this weekend and I was once again overcome with emotion. What a great house in a great neighborhood! I raised my young children there, walked miles around the block with great friends, with babies in strollers and in my trusty Moby wrap, tried to keep up with Jackson on his bikes and scooters, and watched Brock play hours of basketball at the end of that driveway - that's now without a basketball goal. I felt such a heaviness on my heart as we drove away this weekend and I realize that what I've been feeling since moving is grief and mourning. Not for a house, but for a way of life. Our life now will be much more transient - we'll love here in Crane for another year and a half, then probably we'll go to Virginia, and then...I have no idea. And all of that is okay ; it's merely not what I expected grown up life to be like. I guess it never really is what we expect - and maybe...probably that's for the best. After all, moving here was a God send! I listed my beloved home (that we'd outgrown, it's true) with no sincere belief that it would sell. Not only did it sell, it sold for our full asking price in 20 hours. That very day we got a Groupon deal for a hotel in Bloomington and decided we'd come check this place out. Then (same day!) I checked Bloomington's homeschool communities and they have a thriving classical conversations group, which is the organization we loved in owensboro. Of course this was God's plan. And we've met such wonderful people here and have had opportunities here that we would not have had at home. Home. I wonder if another place will ever feel so much like home. I believe it will. I believe God continues to pour out blessings and He will provide another wonderful earthly home for my family. Maybe it'll be back in owensboro someday ;) We'll see!

Missing AHS

To all my former students,

I miss you! That is all. 

When my house is a mess

Right now, my house is a mess. A real mess. My children are finally asleep although we didn't follow any normal routine at all (baseball didn't even end until after 9:30). My hair is still wet from the first shower I've had in days and I won't dry it tonight or fix it tomorrow. Yet, none of that bothers me too badly. It's been a hell of a year, the details of which don't much matter, and yet I'm finding that very little bothers me. I smile at all those silly things not done on a normal to-do list. I giggle and revel in the little joys and blessings around me. My children are awesome; truly, honestly awesome. I look at them all the time and just smile. But then seep in those things that do bother me. Those big things. Should I teach next year? Should I homeschool Jackson? How can I help my children be moral and ethical in the matters that will soon face them (especially Brock who is in 6th grade)? What is the state of my marriage and how is it going to survive all that we've thrown at it? No wonder this messy house isn't bothering me. I think I just have no room in my mind for it. Wish me luck in all of this, please. Luck and prayers!

Only a Few Weeks Now

Only a few more weeks now and I will know you. I will hold you in my arms and kiss your cheeks and you will wrap your tiny fingers around mine as you stare up to me - surely recognizing the voice you have come to know as mine. In only a few weeks.

There are so many things I still have left to do in preparation for your arrival. I haven't installed the car seat, you only have two hairbows (shameful, I know!), and I know the one package of diapers in your closet will only get us through about the first week of your lovely life with us.

Yes, there are those things to do, but I have been ready for you, really, for years now. I have known that my life is empty without you since the winter of 2008. That was a rough year and someday perhaps I will tell you about those things. But, since then, I've known that there was a void in my heart that ached for your presence. I can not begin to tell you how much I love you already.

Only a few weeks now and I am so looking forward to it!

House Hunting in VA

And I'm left a little hopeless and overwhelmed, unsure and rather discombobulated. There were some ugly houses and then there was one that we liked. It felt like home when we first walked up to it: 105 Shoal Qual. Beautiful. All brick, four bedrooms, 2.5 baths, a great southern staircase, an inground pool and an 8-person hot tub in the fenced yard beyond the screened porch. Beautiful. But...I still don't feel just right about it. I'm not sold on the price, the school district, the idea of moving at all actually. I'm wondering if it's all a mistake or if I'm just getting cold feet. I wish someone else were responsible for having the answers!

My mother and I...

Silly Prized Possession....To you, maybe!

Too many years ago, my husband and I went to Belize (San Pedro, actually - a little island off the mainland). While we were there, we went a toured an old Mayan ruin. I had gone prepared for this: prepared with a roll of paper and a black crayon. I wanted to make a crayon rubbing of a statue or a carving from the temple - it was the best keepsake I could imagine; a way to bring back part of the experience without really disturbing the land. I was told by the guide that what I wanted to do was not allowed (and this is why I firmly believe that 'tis better to beg forgiveness than ask permission). I did it anyway. And, I'm so glad that I did. Now, rolled up under my bed (we'd always meant to frame it when "we had enough money" - how does that day never come?) is the 6x40 crayon rubbing of a temple carving from a temple that exists no longer. I ran the steep and crooked steps to the top of that temple. I walked right through the spot where once was held human sacrifice. I stood at the top and looked onto the vast forest seemingly miles below. How thankful I am that I'd rebelled against the silly tour guide, and how glad I am that I have that paper still. Maybe someday I'll have it framed after all.